The holidays often bring up familiar patterns. You walk through the door, and suddenly you are expected to be the same version of yourself you were years ago. Smiling through discomfort. Laughing along even when the noise is too much. Holding in stims or frustration so no one worries. Pretending to be “fine” so everything feels “normal.” Unmasking during the holidays is not easy. Especially if you’re late-identified ADHD or autistic.
Masking is the effort to hide or minimize your neurodivergent traits. It can help you feel safer. It can help avoid conflict. Sometimes it feels like the only way to exist in certain spaces. Family gatherings magnify that pressure because families often hold the strongest expectations about how we should show up.
Here is the truth you may need to hear. You deserve to be your real self at the table too.
Why Masking Feels Heavier with Family
Family remembers the version of you they are comfortable with. They may not have updated their understanding of you since childhood. That creates an unspoken pressure to slide backward into old roles. You might worry that being honest about your needs will hurt feelings or cause tension. You might fear being misunderstood, judged, or dismissed. It makes sense that your instincts tell you to blend in for the sake of “peace.” This is a learned survival skill.
Unmasking During the Holidays Can Be Gentle and Protective
You do not have to walk into Thanksgiving dinner announcing your entire neurodivergent identity. Small shifts count.
- Wear clothes that are comfortable
- Step outside or to a quiet room if you feel overstimulated
- Bring food that works for your sensory needs
- Let yourself stim or move to regulate when you need it
- Share one preference or boundary with someone you trust
These choices are valid. You are not being difficult. You are taking care of yourself.
Many ways you used to show up may not be in your best interest moving forward. Maybe you were a chronic people pleaser who repressed your own needs to unhealthy level. Maybe you used to over compensate by showing up as the life of the party to entertain others but crashed and burned for days afterward due to the performance required.
There is nothing wrong with showing other people kindness and consideration or telling jokes to make people laugh. It’s just important to recognize what feels authentic and recognize the limits of your capacity. Burnout can have serious effects in every domain of life. Maintaining well-being is important for all. But especially for newly identified neurodivergent adults who are learning to protect their physical and mental health through appropriate accommodations.
Your Comfort Matters
It is not your job to make everyone else more comfortable by being less yourself. You are allowed to speak up when something is too loud, too chaotic, or too much. You can ask for information ahead of time so you know what to expect. It’s ok to participate in a way that respects your limits. Presence is not measured by how well you pretend to be someone else.
You don’t have to be inconsiderate of others. You just need to remember to include yourself in those considerations.
Showing up Authentically Counts
Some years you might fully attend and engage. Other years you might show up for dessert only. Your neurodivergent needs can be highly variable, but that doesn’t make them less real. Sometimes skipping the gathering entirely is the most loving thing you can do for your nervous system. You do not lose your place in the family because you cared for yourself differently.
Progress can look like leaving twenty minutes earlier than you used to. It can look like letting yourself be quiet without trying to explain it.
A Gentle Reminder as the Holidays Begin
Unmasking during the holidays can be difficult. You have years of habit to undo. Give yourself patience. Celebrate the small acts of honesty. Your real self deserves room to exist outside of neurodivergent spaces too.
You are allowed to take up space and protect your peace.
This season, I hope you feel even a little more free to be yourself.
If you enjoyed this article, you might like this one 👉Social Exhaustion: How to Set Boundaries and Protect Your Energy
Thanks for listening, friends.
Disclaimer:
This post reflects my personal experiences and perspectives as a late-identified neurodivergent adult. While I aim to share helpful insights, I don’t speak on behalf of the entire ADHD or autistic community. Neurodivergence is diverse and individual—please interpret this content through the lens of your own needs and experiences. This article is not a substitute for professional or medical advice.